It’s by the grace of god that I was born into an era where “internet comedy writer” was a more likely occupation than “foot soldier.” If I’d popped up, severe myopia and mild dust allergies included, in a time and place that had required any sort of physical, violent defense of myself, I’d most likely be a skeleton pieced together from scattered points on an ancient battlefield. I’d have been impotently swinging a pitchfork or a polearm toward the large visual smears that looked the most like the enemy’s banners until I was unceremoniously cleft, quartered or trampled underfoot.
Still, even in this hypothetical, horrible death at the hands of ancient warfare, there are a couple ways that I think would make for a particularly unpleasant exit. Those weapons weren’t exactly made for the tidiness of their blows, and I bet there’s a lot of medieval ghosts who would be plenty jealous of a clean headshot goodnight. So, in the interest of a little mental Mortal Kombat-style thought exercise, I’ve put some thought into the weapons I’d personally add to my “anything but” reverse bucket list.
